Tuesday 19 May 2015

Day 9: The Anxiety


Anyone will understand the concept of stressed, people become stressed because they have an assignment due the next day, a big presentation or they are worried about seeing a guy they had a thing with. Stress is a feeling; you can focus on is the task ahead, and worry about it.

Anxiety is a concept not many understand, but is used to often. Anxiety is not just being over stressed, anxiety is a mental disorder, Google defines anxiety as; a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.” 

To all you people, who I'm sure are indulging yourselves in my spectacular writing, you probably know someone who is dealing with anxiety. The truth is, anxiety is a habit; I've become so obsessed with worrying about thinks. Think of it as a house, anxiety is the foundation, and everything individual thing you worry about is a brick, and then it becomes a house, then a mansion, then a hotel, then an entire city. Before I've walked out the door, I've planning ever step I am going to take. 

John William Keedy confronts mental illness, and specifically anxiety, which is commonly linked to OCD and depression, I love his photo series, because I just feel it depicts my life in photos: check it out here. 

Think of a time you when you were worried about something that had happened or was going to happen, multiple that worry by 100- that is a side effect of anxiety. Elite Daily explains what it feels like living with anxiety it perfectly

I woke up with this sickening feeling in my stomach, like their where bugs crawling inside me, but they where trying to get out. My brain felt like it was revolving, on a round-a-bout all the while my mind trying to make sense of where the hell I was. 
The only things I was sure of, I HAD SO MUCH WORK TO DO! The little hill that it felt like the night before had formed into a mountain of things I needed to do; this is how anxiety works. It makes absolutely no sense to your logical mind, but anxiety feeds of your illogical mind, where nothing can be rationalised; like when you spend all your money after getting paid and end up looking like Linsey Lohan at rehab at the end of the weekend. 

The day continued to be a occurrence of illogical fretting, I felt like I was floating around, nobody around me was making any sense, and the words that came out of mine where like word vomit in a non sensical order, sentences like “cups to balcony of life.” Providing amusement to my counterparts. 


Today I felt like I was playing stuck in the mud; I kept repeating words that were written on my skin, again and again like a dull pack of playing cards, but my king was anxiety. 

Exhausted, because this semester has taken everything out of me. Tired, because I’m in dire need of sleep. Anxious, because that is how my brain works and bored, because I feel like I’m stuck in this repetitive cycle of frustration that it has become boredom. 

Someone pointed out today, “Are you stressed?” and I almost didn’t notice I had written this words all over myself. It was strange to step out of my personal bubble and confront others, on an emotional level, something I definitely do not feel comfortable about doing.

My best friend asked me this evening,  “Are you ok?” I actually didn’t know how to answer this question: “Um, yah I just like, I don’t know.” I picked up a pen to write on myself, but I was I was frozen, I actually don't have a word to describe this feeling...

It took me a few glasses of wine before I could open up and spill my emotions, I’m not saying I’m an alcoholic, but I often feel so up tight about everything, that it is only after getting into a long conversation I can get comfortable with talking openly.

"Wearing" emotions is not what necessarily makes me feel uncomfortable, yes I have not enjoyed the fact people can basically read me like a personal diary but it is more than that, it is the frustration of interacting with these emotions, the annoyance of dealing with them every minute of every day, and being ashamed of them. 




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