Day 2: The Embarrassment

"I saw the mirror staring back at me, and it said I was a self machine" 

This morning the stains from the marker where still visible, but had faded to a grey-like tinge, but still readable. I began writing over the washed-out letters and by the time my first lecture I had began marking my skin with letters. By the time my lecturer began asking the class what we were each doing for our “Body Uncomfortable” project, I felt ashamed and distressed to be explaining my concept, and was more that aware of all the people looking at me, but interested that nobody was going to dwell on the subject, because people are cautious of "emotional" people.I felt like a art piece on display in a museum or exhibition; there to be scrutinised and judged. 

Faded morning letters

A girl grabbed my arm in attempt to read what I had written and I immediately snatched it back, shyly and almost felt violated. I wore a black sleeveless dress today which meant I had the opportunity to write up my arms. I have also acknowledged the fact I am writing  more on my arm than anywhere else, which is a place that draws direct attention because I am always using my hands, whether I am typing notes, drawing or scamping in class; they are pretty hard to cover up too, if i don't have a jacket with ling sleeves, but even if i do, I'm always pulling up my sleeves.

The nerves of the first day of doing this intervention had passed, I felt more responsive to my emotions and expressing them on my skin. I have began to realize how nervous I get in class situations when any kind of attention is on me, as well as how other impact my emotional being; a friend asked me to join her to walk to Spar, and I felt privileged and happy that she asked me, I recognized these emotions and relished them.

Today I was embarrassed: I couldn't look people in the eye.  I do believe for the next 8 days, I need to be more forthright about written on my skin directly in front of people instead of shying away when I need to write, due to being embarrassed and not wanting to offend people.  It is hard not feel ashamed.

Song of the day is Self Machine by I Blame Coco: