Apprehensions and Preparations

Last week (before the intervention had begun), I had this strange feeling throughout the  week that I couldn't put my finger on. It was a numb feeling, and it felt like I was looking at the world from inside a fish bowl, I had a brief inside into what it felt like  being a goldfish; the world like a bizarre place and peoples interactions with it even more bizarre. 
It was only towards the end of the week that I realised the feeling was the apprehension and foreboding of the week to come. 

It is not the actual writing that is scaring me, it is the visibility of it. Will people look at me differently? Will they judge me? Will they pity me? Will they ignore me? Before, emotions were a way of hiding, they were a category in my life I could put to the side

Will I be honest to myself? I have got into the habit of lying to myself about how I really feel, it is hard for me to pin-point how I really feel. And if I do feel these emotions, just because I can finally admit it to myself, will I be able to tell the truth to the world? 

Will I be "the emotional girl"? Emotions are something encouraged to keep hidden, will people now label me as the emotional girl, because of my expression of emotions?

I am also aware that some of the black clothes I am wearing are intentionally more revealing; I normally wear buttoned up shirts and high necks, as well as long trousers or skirts. This is in order for me to have more "canvas" to write on, mostly with my chest and arms exposed and on some occasions I will be wearing shorts (if the weather permits it).