Day 1: The Nerve

"Meet me in the dust clouds, we can be a ghost now"

Blank Canvas

I woke up with this gnawing feeling in my stomach, like someone had taken my insides out, chewed them up and spat them back out. I suddenly started panicking that today was the day, and for the next 10 days I would be exposing myself writing my emotions all over my body as I felt them, in front of people and privately. I felt like I was in battle, and my shield was about to be ripped from me. I felt uncomfortable in the clothes I've been wearing today, I never wear this black peplum top, but I reluctantly wore it because it showed my bare arms and chest. Uncomfortable and vulnerable, I made my way into the outside world. 

Lazy, tired, submissive, bored, nervous, frightened, anxious, irritated, hapy, awkward. 

This morning I began as a blank canvas, skin showing on my arms and chest. I arrived at Vega, already worried that I was going to see people. I hid, and after 2 hours of working (and writing on my body) I emerged into a lecture, suddenly aware of everyone around me, and who was looking? Who was going ask be what I was doing and what I had written all over my arms? I also realised for the first time that I had to write on my right arm with left hand, which proved more difficult that I realised. 

While I was writing notes on my laptop in my lecture, I was very aware of the words marked on my arms, and who was around me and probably trying to read it, that I ended up putting my jacket on because I felt so overwhelmed I was hyperventilating. Some people asked me if they could write on my skin too. All I wanted to do was go to the bathroom and wash it off.

Sentimental, happy, relaxed

Today I felt like a large brick had been placed on my chest and I couldn't breathe. I was so nervous, I was shaking. All I wanted to do was crawl into a dark whole (with series) and stay there. 

People started asking if they could write on me too, and I had to reply with "No, these are my emotions, and how I feel." I was embarrassed and ashamed to tell them this. They wanted me to explain the concept, and I kept freezing, with no idea how to explain it. And when I did I would laugh. 

Alex Stoddard's photography deals with the human experience and fragility; expressing the vulnerability of human nature and the space we occupy. 

The day got better as the attention was diverted, and everyone had got over the fact that everyone was doing the 10 day intervention. One of my lectures commented, “Nice tats”, which made me feel quite self conscious. 

Confident, sleepy, exhausted, lonely, ashamed,embarrassed, insecure, aware, self conscious 

I went grocery shopping, and people where squinting at me, the shopping assistant expressed “Are those like real? Or can you wash it off?” I've also realised that the permanent marker creates an irritation on my skin, this could be psychosomatic; the action of scratching at the emotion, but I bought a water based permanent marker, like the ones they use to draw on patients skin before surgery, to use for the rest of the intervention. 

I feel very uncomfortable about the fact I have to do this for the next 9 days… I already wish it were only for 3 days.

And song of the day is- We Can Be Ghosts now by Hiatus. This song makes me feel like I am dreaming: