Day 10: The Apathy

Basically a nice way of saying “I don’t give a F@£k”. Today was the final day of the  body intervention; I was apathetic towards everything and everybody. 

We have a Brand Strategy test tomorrow so I spend the majority of the day in this state of confusion, stress and just wanting to give up, mostly because I was so exhausted from the past two weeks, and even as I write this I honestly can't wait to go to bed tonight 
And most of all, THIS WEEK NEEDS TO BE OVER! 

Today someone looked at me and said "Wow, those bags under your eyes are dark, are you ill?"
I slapped them across the face, jokes, but mentally I did, and in reality gave them a sarcastic smile "I suppose the words "tired" and "exhausted" written all over my body don't give you any hints?"

Exhausted, Apathetic, stressed, tired, sad, alone

This evening, at 5pm, it dawned on me that in less than 12 hours I would be writing a test and I was currently lying like a fat cat on the couch after it has eaten a juicy rat. I realised that I better wake up my mind even if my body was a lump of uselessness.
I NEVER drink coffee, you know in life when people are like"I don't do drugs, it messes with me" well thats me with coffee. Drinking caffeine results in bush baby Olive; wide eyed and anxious. I start hyperventilating, get overly anxious, and uncomfortable- YES, it basically sounds like someone on drugs.

I drank, not one, but TWO mugs of coffee, and the effects of this lasted until the early hours of the morning, while I spoke to myself like an old granny in a retirement home. Knowing I have to get up in 4 hours to write a test has created this acidic feeling in my stomach.

Apathetic 

Today the words where repetitive; stress, bored, tired, exhausted and apathetic. Repeated over and over. It is also my last day of wearing black. In the last 10 days, wearing black has been like wearing a school uniform again, not that I feel anything like a school girl (those days are long gone) but it was something I don't have to really think that much about and although in the beginning, it was a little annoying to be wearing black everyday, I got quite comfortable with it, like wearing pyjamas every day, but more socially acceptable. 

Sad, annoyed, bored, tired, frustrated

The things I have learnt from this brief:

My emotions are as balanced as a unskilled tightrope walker; in one day I can range on a scale from as happy as a kid with sugar to depressed as a deranged clown 

The word anxiety appeared on my skin at least once every day; I spend a lot of time and energy being anxious. Like a cocaine addict, accept I am not one. 

Emotions are exhausting, facing them are draining. 

I am ashamed about the emotions I feel; I am not the Angela Jolie of Girl Interrupted, but rather the Britney Murphy (accept I didn't die, excuse the sombridity). 

I felt very exposed, and vulnerable. Feeling vulnerable is one of the most uncomfortable situations I could find myself in, I avoid it at all costs. 

Day 9: The Anxiety

Anyone will understand the concept of stressed, people become stressed because they have an assignment due the next day, a big presentation or they are worried about seeing a guy they had a thing with. Stress is a feeling; you can focus on is the task ahead, and worry about it.

Anxiety is a concept not many understand, but is used to often. Anxiety is not just being over stressed, anxiety is a mental disorder, Google defines anxiety as; “a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.” 

To all you people, who I'm sure are indulging yourselves in my spectacular writing, you probably know someone who is dealing with anxiety. The truth is, anxiety is a habit; I've become so obsessed with worrying about thinks. Think of it as a house, anxiety is the foundation, and everything individual thing you worry about is a brick, and then it becomes a house, then a mansion, then a hotel, then an entire city. Before I've walked out the door, I've planning ever step I am going to take. 

John William Keedy confronts mental illness, and specifically anxiety, which is commonly linked to OCD and depression, I love his photo series, because I just feel it depicts my life in photos: check it out here. 

Think of a time you when you were worried about something that had happened or was going to happen, multiple that worry by 100- that is a side effect of anxiety. Elite Daily explains what it feels like living with anxiety it perfectly

I woke up with this sickening feeling in my stomach, like their where bugs crawling inside me, but they where trying to get out. My brain felt like it was revolving, on a round-a-bout all the while my mind trying to make sense of where the hell I was. 
The only things I was sure of, I HAD SO MUCH WORK TO DO! The little hill that it felt like the night before had formed into a mountain of things I needed to do; this is how anxiety works. It makes absolutely no sense to your logical mind, but anxiety feeds of your illogical mind, where nothing can be rationalised; like when you spend all your money after getting paid and end up looking like Linsey Lohan at rehab at the end of the weekend. 

The day continued to be a occurrence of illogical fretting, I felt like I was floating around, nobody around me was making any sense, and the words that came out of mine where like word vomit in a non sensical order, sentences like “cups to balcony of life.” Providing amusement to my counterparts. 

Today I felt like I was playing stuck in the mud; I kept repeating words that were written on my skin, again and again like a dull pack of playing cards, but my king was anxiety. 

Exhausted, because this semester has taken everything out of me. Tired, because I’m in dire need of sleep. Anxious, because that is how my brain works and bored, because I feel like I’m stuck in this repetitive cycle of frustration that it has become boredom. 

Someone pointed out today, “Are you stressed?” and I almost didn’t notice I had written this words all over myself. It was strange to step out of my personal bubble and confront others, on an emotional level, something I definitely do not feel comfortable about doing.

My best friend asked me this evening,  “Are you ok?” I actually didn’t know how to answer this question: “Um, yah I just like, I don’t know.” I picked up a pen to write on myself, but I was I was frozen, I actually don't have a word to describe this feeling...

It took me a few glasses of wine before I could open up and spill my emotions, I’m not saying I’m an alcoholic, but I often feel so up tight about everything, that it is only after getting into a long conversation I can get comfortable with talking openly.

"Wearing" emotions is not what necessarily makes me feel uncomfortable, yes I have not enjoyed the fact people can basically read me like a personal diary but it is more than that, it is the frustration of interacting with these emotions, the annoyance of dealing with them every minute of every day, and being ashamed of them. 

Day 8: The Fatigue

TWO DAYS LEFT...
I can't express the relief in knowing this intervention is almost over.  It has exhausted me, it has destroyed me, it has taken everything out of me and it has taught me that dealing with the passed and emotions may ultimately be rewarding, but the process has chopped me up into little pieces of cheese. Yum, but not really. 

I have been shoved, I have been pushed and I have been squished trying to make myself feel as insignificant as possible to avoid attention. 

Pain, Sad, lonely

Today was not a good one, I was very anxious this morning, which didn’t help due to the fact that I was up late last night. I have recognized that lack of sleep firstly, naturally, makes me exhausted and grumpy, but secondly increases my anxiety levels. I had to remind myself to breathe this morning, I was shaking while scribbling the words stress, worry and anxious.

I feel very overwhelmed with the week coming up, we have two briefs due this week, a test and trying to finish our body interventions and all I can think about is how much I want to sleep.

The day progressed, and I got less focused and more tired. My eyelids feel like someone has filled them with gravel, and every blink was like I was sanding down my eyeballs.  I had encephalitis a few weeks ago, so I've been having  headaches, feels similar to someone playing drums while you are hungover. 

Loved, subdued, anxious, nervous, frightened, frustrated, happy, tired, confused

This afternoon, I was so happy and relieve to know I didn’t have to go grocery shopping. Anyone who knows me, knows that if I didn’t have to drive I wouldn’t because driving entails me spending 20 minutes worrying about driving before I’ve even stepped into the car.

My sister and I fight every day about washing the dishes, its just a sibling thing, every set of siblings needs to have something they fight about and ours is about who is going to wash the dishes. This time the fight was physical, as in lots of soapy water, shouting and amusement, like two girls washing a car wearing only bikinis and listening to misogynist rap, men don't get excited, thats not what really happened. Plus, it was probably M.I.A playing in the background. 

Sleepy, embarrassed, insignificant 

"Do you write all over your body, or just on the visible parts?" I was asked today. The answer is only the visible parts. The song of the day: 

Day 7: The Worry

CABIN FEVER as hit me like a brick wall in the face, I spent the whole day in my flat studying for my up coming Brand Strategy test, which meant the emotions I wrote on my skin, were not influenced as much by people around me, because I was mostly just getting tired, bored and worried about how much I needed to learn for this test. I must say I have enjoyed people watching the strangers walking on the street below me- some people wear the weirdest things. I mean I'm all for thrift shopping, but I don't think neon should ever be a fashion trend. 

Also I think I'm starting my own racial group; I'm starting to turn a grey colour, thanks to the faded ink marker on my skin.

WORRIED

Weather has a big influence on my emotions, I am not a winter person, my whole life I've been annoyed that my birthday is in mid winter. It was a beautiful day today, all I wanted to do was go to the beach, or have a picnic like a typical Capetonian. Instead I indulged in marketing words with my date for the day; a 600 page textbook on branding. Lets just say its a hate-hate relationship.

Bored, stressed, tired, frustrated

Some people like the smell after it has raining, or fresh cut grass, or being able to lie in bed all day. I love car trips, as long as someone else is driving. The reason: when I am in a car I feel completely relaxed, I can't influence how fast we are going, when we will get to the next destination or much else around me. I feel like I'm part of an arty movie where you just watch the landscape reflecting over a characters face while a hip band plays a melancholy song in the background, I feel at ease.

I went on a drive this afternoon with my dad, I was more than happy to get out of the house for a while. It was too cold for me to only have a short sleeved t-shirt on so I had to put a jumper on, this co-incediently meant that he also could't see I had written all over my arms- I haven't been able to tell my dad about this project at all, I think its a physiological thing, because my dad would probably find it quite interesting.

I was embarrassed that I could not show it to him, or talk to him about it and at the same time I felt so guilty because I felt like I was cheating my body uncomfortable project.

Ashamed, annoyed, tired, worried

Day 6: The Subdue

The day begun like someone had hit my head with a sold metal pole; having to physically lift my eyelids open due to one to many glasses of dancing juice. I had to meet my family for a reunion breakfast of sorts, I certainly was not in the mood for small talk. I began writing early, but the words where mostly covered up for breakfast because it was rather chilly outside. I feel like I am preparing for a funeral everyday; wearing black is becoming dull and de-motivating. Dealing with these emotions is like building an iron bridge that is never finished; I'm ready for for this brief to be over-ka-dovers!

Sentimental, relaxed, depressed

The day progressed with me starting on the varsity work I needed to do. I spent the majority of the day working, which was not fun, since it had become a lovely day outside. So I was feeling quite melancholy and subservient, and continued to write through out the day. 

Worried, guilty, stimulated, subdued, das, hungover (I think it is a feeling), anxious, confused, excited

By the end of the day, I was exhausted and ready for a bedgasm; that wonderful feeling when you fall into bed after a long day.I felt guilty that I haven't been able to get as much work done as I wanted to. When I am hungover, I tend to have depressive symptoms. 

I am ashamed of the emotions I have been feeling, this weekend has had so many ups and downs, its hard to describe even through emotional words how I felt. There are so many emotions on the scale between fear and love, that expressing them can be so difficult. But I spend most of my time on the fear side of the scale; stressed, worried and anxious about everything. These three words are written on my skin at least once a day, everyday. 

Relaxed, guilty, sentimental, submissive, irritated 

"What are you going to do with that degree?" I feel like every time I have a family reunion I get asked this question. Does it really matter though? Right at this minute, does it matter what I am going to spend the rest of my life doing?

Song of the day- Runaway (U & 1) by Galantis, because I would love to Runaway from all the work I have to do:

Day 5: The Enthusiasm

Chairdrobe. v. The art of piling clothes on a chair to be used in place of a closet or dresser. This is a literal and figurative definition of my life at the moment. Firstly, I am wearing black for the 10 days of my intervention, in order to draw more attention to the words written on my skin, and secondly because nothing is in the right place, everything seems to be happening out of order. Often I wear black so I can say to myself “Damn, I look sassy today.” But when you have worn all black for 5 days, it gets pretty damn boring! And the dull weather hasn’t been helping my mood.

Today we filmed out television commercial in the company gardens, having rested properly, although I could have done with another 5 hours, we began to attempt to plan out the filming process. I enjoyed getting out into nature; I grew up living in a very natural environment where I never wore any shoes. So getting out into nature is like a natural anti-depressant for me.

After filming, I was pretty content with life, something we could check off the list. I took of the rest of the day, I needed some time out. It has been a long week.

Later I went out for drinks with friends, and it was interesting to chat to a friend about this brief. We where talking about how we are both compulsive liars. She mostly lying to her family about what she is really doing, and it has transcend into her emotions; lying to herself about how she is really feeling and putting a face on for the world to see and for her to hide behind.
Through this brief more people have been able to open up to be about their truths since I have opened up to them about mine. Something I hope this intervention achieves is making others feel more comfortable around me because my emotions have been stripped back, even if I am putting myself in an uncomfortable position. 

Julian Landini deals with feminist art, the way in which women are depicted in society, as these overly sexualised beings, and the truthful depiction of women, her illustrations are also beautiful. 

Today was a great day!

Song of the day is Can't Pin Me Down by Marina and the Diamonds, because today has been a great day, and I am like a sassy feminist: